11 Things I would do if I was an Evil Mastermind

By Rae

It is forever frustrating and infuriating to watch the ‘masterminds’, ‘overlords’, ‘arch enemies’ and simply ‘villains’ of movies, because they all seem to be stupid, or make stupid mistakes. Honestly, the amount of times the ‘hero’ has been able to escape a nasty situation through getting the ‘villain’ to spill their entire plans when they are located at the epicentre of the ‘villains’ lair and the ‘hero’ escapes to save the day is beyond me! So, to ensure no more bad movies end in the hero’s survival through stupid mistakes made by the villain, here is:

11 Things I would do if I was an Evil Mastermind

1. I would not hold my hero prisoner at the epicentre of my complex, nor would I tell them my plan.

2. I would not make my attack or defence progressively harder, with my weaker minions attacking first and ending with my most difficult minions. They would all attack at once, together and overwhelm the enemy. 

3. I will keep track of my children and my enemies’ children. I would not allow my enemies’ children to live through their parents’ deaths and harbour revenge, thus creating another enemy for me when I am old. I would also keep my children close to me and make sure that they are aware they are related, so as to avoid awkward situations… 

4. If I wanted a door to stay locked, I would make sure it stays that way, and will not open if someone hits the control panel. Also, I will be the only one who can open it: I will not give the ‘key’ to every low-level guard in my facility.

5.  I would not have an evil machine or space ship which can be destroyed through hitting… I would also make back-ups of any data or systems which could be destroyed to impede my progress. I would not have a self-destruct button, and if I did, it would have a clear sign saying “DO NOT PUSH”. If someone pushed it, they would be immediately sprayed with bullets for their stupidity.

6. I would listen to my advisers, as they are there to advise. Not kill them when they bring bad news.

7. If I have captured the hero and are about to kill them, and they say anything along the lines of “I have one last request” or “Don’t you want to know…” I would say “No” and then shoot them. Actually on second thought, I would want no error as to whether or not they are dead, so they would be in an incineration chamber, and I would press the button to begin incineration, then say “No” in response to their request.

8. I would have a good fashion designer who does not allow capes. Also, I would wear bright happy colours to psych out my enemies, and a bullet proof vest, instead of relying on a well places badge or time piece to save me. I would carry more than one weapon as well.

9. If somebody, especially the ‘hero’, says “Put down your weapon and fight me like a man” I will promptly use the weapon to end their life.  

10. If my plan involves a countdown of any kind, especially a digital countdown, I would set the countdown to end at 142, rather than 0, so that the hero is still trying to implement a plan when the countdown ends, because we all know that the hero’s plan will only work/stop the countdown if it is at below 10 seconds and causing climax.

11. I would only hire henchmen and minions who can actually aim at targets AND HIT THEM. If they cannot, they will promptly find themselves on the receiving end of the bullet.

So there are some of my words of wisdom for becoming a ‘villain’. If you have any other suggestions, please share!