3 things Fairytale Princesses could have done

By Kat


Sure, I liked them when I was a kid. They were among the first story forms I was introduced to, and I would be enchanted by their characters and happy endings. But now...fairytales are tedious. The characters are boring, predictable, and unreasonably flawless. The girls are portrayed as dainty and in need of rescuing. The only solution? Let's revamp these archaic stories, and bring badass-ness (and a moderate amount of violence) into fairytale town.

Snow White:
Evil queen on the hunt for you?
1) Wait for huntsman. When he takes pity, brainwash him to do your bidding. Send him as an undercover agent back into the queen's court to assassinate the queen.
2) If Step 1 fails, hide at the dwarfs' house until queen arrives, disguised.
3. When she offers apple, realise the dodgy nature of the situation and appear as if you are going to eat the apple, before promptly throwing right back into her face. Once knockout is completed, simply capture to claim your captive.

Sleeping Beauty:
Cursed by an evil fairy to be destined for 100 years slumber?
1) On the day of inevitable spindle finding, judge the situation and realise that no matter how pointy the spindle is, one cannot die from being stabbed with a spindle.
2) With this knowledge, turn the spindle around and drive into fairy's finger.
3) Either proceed to knock the confused fairy out, or if taking more drastic measures, proceed to throw out of the castle window and into the bushes below.

Cinderella:
Trapped in a cellar and unable to go to a ball?
Solution is simple.
1) Find small pin, needle or paperclip.
2) Lockpick your way out of cellar, ensuring to pick up a broom along the way.
3) Sabotage stepmother and stepsisters' transportation.
4) 'Borrow' fancy clothes from nearby closet.
5) Make your way to the ball. If stopped by evil relatives, do not hesitate to knock out with acquired broom.
6) Arrive at  the ball, ditch broom, and await inevitable 'love at first sight' with prince.
7) If Step 6 fails, knock out the Prince for being so ignorant of your indisputable superiority.

Potentially life-threatening situations? =avoided.